I Can’t Wait!…For Doctors, For Science, For a Fibromyalgia Cure…(And I Don’t Think I Need To)

I CAN’T WAIT.

I couldn’t wait for doctors…I can’t wait for science. No disrespect intended to anyone…but I simply can’t wait.  I can’t just wait…for someone else (to help me)…and I don’t think I need to! I’ve got a life to live. ‎I’ve lived fifteen years ‎with fibromyalgia already. The years have been, and are going to continue to pass by…one way or another. Where would I be now if I had waited for doctors…or science…or anyone else…to help me?

Still waiting? Maybe.

I couldn’t wait (to start combating fibromyalgia) way back in 2003 when doctors were still trying to determine a diagnosis for me…and I still can’t wait.  And, in all honesty, I’m probably more determined than ever, not to wait for anyone else to figure out fibromyalgia, because over the years I’ve been slowly discovering that I can make a difference…I…ME…MYSELF!

In fact, I’m not even sure any more that I need anyone else to figure it out.

So let me explain.

It’s not that I wouldn’t welcome the help…if someone, some doctor or maybe some researcher…suddenly came up with a sure fire fibromyalgia cure.  I’m definitely an eternal optimist and I’m always hopeful that anything’s possible.  It’s just that, if I’m truly honest with myself, I realize I’m not expecting it and I never have expected it.

For whatever reason, right from the start I was able to accept that I had a new life-affecting condition to deal with for the long run and I fairly quickly resurrected my “combat mode” (from my endometriosis days) as I liked to think of it, and I started working on fighting my fibromyalgia myself…and in fact, I did this even before I was diagnosed…even then I had already sensed the enduring nature of my new condition and the immediate need to get finding a way to live my best life with it.  I couldn’t wait.

And now that I think about it…I guess, even more than not expecting any help… I’m not counting on it.

Yes, I learned a long time ago that I needed to “quarterback” my own health.  In my early twenties, when I insisted (against a doctor’s advice) that further investigation be done into pelvic pain I was experiencing (seems hilarious now but I was incredulous when a doctor told me that I would just have to live with the pain), an orange sized cyst that needed to be removed was found.  When the pain persisted, so did I, and although the doctor who removed the cyst felt all my troubles were over, another doctor looked deeper, at my request, and found I had severe chronic endometriosis that needed to be treated.

And endometriosis…well, that was a continuously debilitating ordeal all in itself…that lasted all through my entire twenties…and that I definitely needed to “quarterback” myself.  It didn’t take me long to figure out that if I was still going to function at the level that my demanding career required that I was going to have to come up with a plan for myself on my own. Hence, as I talked about in an earlier post, my self-described “combat mode” was born and soon I was doing anything I could do to feel as healthy as possible in every other way; I was working on the things I COULD control…and it helped…immensely.

Now, let me be clear, I don’t have an aversion to doctors…I’ve had some great doctors along the way who have been extremely helpful.  It’s just that I’ve also found it helpful…no, I guess, IMPERATIVE… to take responsibility for my own health.

And combating fibromyalgia has been no different…in fact…it seems to me that learning to quarterback my own health through my earlier health issues was an excellent training ground for dealing with fibromyalgia…because my experience has been that fibromyalgia requires even more of that than anything I’d ever experienced before.

Yes, fibromyalgia has been the mother(!) of all quarterbacking my own health for me.

 I mean, fourteen years ago when I was diagnosed, I was given a diagnosis and a pamphlet and sent on my way…that was it.

So…I went into “combat mode”, I “minimized it”, I “changed what I think”…I tried to be positive, I “faked it ‘til I make it”, I lived in “deliberate denial”…I exercised, I worked on my sleep, I worked on my brain too…the list goes on and on…for years and years.  As I’ve said before, I work hard to control fibromyalgia so fibromyalgia is not controlling me.

But don’t get me wrong… I like the feeling and knowledge that I CAN work on it myself…and the sense of POWER that comes with it…I CAN make a difference…just me…and I don’t need anyone else to do this…so it can’t be taken away from me.

AND…I’m not waiting for anyone else to tell me what to do.

(Oh yeah…I don’t like to wait.)

While at the beginning (when I started my “combat mode”) I was just trying to see if I could make SOME difference in how I felt… at some point, I’ve come to think that I am the ONLY one who actually CAN make a difference.  All of these factors that I’ve found that affect my fibromyalgia are totally under my control…I can affect a difference in all of them and it seems to me that I’m the only one who can.

And now, after all these years, I’ve begun to wonder if maybe I even have to CURE MYSELF…AND IF, IN FACT, I CAN.

Is it possible to be cured of fibromyalgia? I’m inspired when I hear others say they have been cured…that means it’s possible….and I’m like anyone else…so why not me?

Am I actually curing myself?  Of course I don’t know…how could I?  There have been times over the years when I felt pretty good for quite a few months; I was hopeful fibromyalgia might be a thing of the past for me, only for it to come crashing back again causing me heartfelt disappointment, much harder to face than the usual fibromyalgia frustrations.  So at some point I resolved to not count on being cured, it was too disappointing to set myself up to have my hopes shot down.

But now, after all these years, when I take a step back and assess, I can clearly see, that even with all the ups and downs…I have to say…not only am I SURVIVING…and even THRIVING… I am steadily, gradually and unmistakably IMPROVING…without a doubt.

So…cautiously optimistic…is what I would call myself now.

Is it just a lucky coincidence that as I work on improving all these lifestyle choices that are good for my body and brain, my fibromyalgia is slowly and steadily improving as well? Maybe, but even so, I’m fairly certain I feel better along the way for my efforts. And even if I’m never cured, isn’t that my goal, to feel the best I can along the way? (yes!)

In any event, it seems to me, whether I’m living my best life with fibromyalgia, or actually moving towards being cured, I have to do it myself. I can’t wait…I can’t afford to.

What I know is real is that I’ve been ploughing through, figuring out how to fight fibromyalgia for fourteen years now, on my own…and it’s working for me!  Confronted with very little help, I was forced to find my own way and now that I’ve found it, I’m continuing full steam ahead.

I simply can’t wait…and I won’t wait…not for doctors to find an effective treatment…not for science to finally figure it out…not for anything.  I have a life to live!

And so far, I’m actually getting to live my life.

And if I can, maybe you can too.