Fibro Fog…Frustrating, Frightening…But Yeah, Just Another Fibromyalgia Symptom

Hard to believe I’ve written so many posts about fibromyalgia and still not written one about fibro fog…guess I forgot…ha ha.

Sorry, I have to joke and keep it light sometimes…it covers up the deep down, unsettling, vague feeling that gnaws at me…an uneasiness about the state of my mind…and what exactly my fibro fog means to its future.

And if you’re a “regular” person (who doesn’t have fibromyalgia)…STOP RIGHT NOW!…and don’t laugh and dismissively tell me, “Oh, I get that too, that happens lately, it’s old age.”

Because mine started over sixteen years ago…long before any old age(!)…but exactly when my fibromyalgia started!

The things you’re dealing with lately, I’ve been dealing with them  for coming up on two decades. (And speaking of old age, as I watch my eighty-six and ninety-year-old parents struggle with memory problems, it occurs to me that I’ve had a lot more in common with them in that department, than my own peers, who are just getting these issues “lately”.)

But I digress…I know others with fibromyalgia know exactly what I’m talking about…exactly!

But they may be surprised to know that, as uneasy as I’ve felt about my frustrating and worrisome fibro fog all these years, I’m starting to feel LESS UNEASY and MORE POSITIVE about it NOW more than ever.

So let me explain.

Yes, fibro fog IS dismaying…I’ve always had a sharp memory and I liked having a sharp memory. It has definitely been disappointing to lose some of that. Although I have to say, it does seem like it’s not the terribly important things that I forget, so that’s something to be grateful for.

But it’s annoying…so annoying! It seems like it’s much more of the regular things I used to just always remember, like which same four vegetables I’ve been cooking for Christmas dinner for over twenty years now, that are suddenly just “gone” from my head. Like, I’m not a fancy cook…I mean, how many easy-to-cook vegetables are there?…and I can’t remember the same four I’ve been cooking for twenty plus years now!? Annoying. (And a bit alarming too.)

Almost as annoying as the small day-to-day things…that my previous sharp memory ALWAYS knew…now, just gone…until someone mentions them again, often I remember, sometimes I still don’t. (Not to mention the items I misplace…although it IS good exercise running around my house looking for things!)

And tiresome, so often tiresome!…when a thought about something I was just going to do, just disappears from my head, often (luckily) only for a short time. It’s like it’s seemingly just floating out there for a few minutes…suddenly disconnected from the train of thought it was a part of. Oh, it always floats back in‎, usually within a few minutes, whether I continue trying to remember, or not…but it gets tiresome, waiting.

And when this same thing happens with a thought or word that I was just going to articulate to someone in the midst of a conversation…embarrassing at times, for sure…worse than when I can’t find the words to express the ideas swirling around in my head, during a conversation…that, I’m fairly good at covering up and just rolling with, and switching to the ideas I can find the words for. But not as bad as when my brain suddenly substitutes an entirely different word, unrelated in every way as far as I can tell, instead of the word I meant to say, in a sentence I am speaking to someone…this one is just plain unnerving(!)…very glad that one’s been a rare occurrence (and only when speaking to my kids, thankfully) and hasn’t happened in years.

But overall, just having to work much harder at being focused in general…I mean, I can be so easily distracted…if I let my guard down (which I work against, continually!). For someone who has always been so wired to be productive, this may be the most frustrating of all!

Yes, it’s all very frustrating, and I see many others with fibromyalgia say their fibro fog makes them feel stupid…and I can certainly understand that, but…in spite of all this…I’ve never felt that way. I just have a condition; I know I’m still intelligent. I am an intelligent person, I will always be an intelligent person. I’ve always separated the fibro fog memory thing from that. I won’t let it affect my self-esteem in that way.

Yeah, it’s just another symptom.

And living with fibro fog day to day…well, it’s aggravating and annoying for the most part, but I haven’t found it incapacitating, nor insurmountable… I think I’ve been just…well…adapting, I guess.

I mean, when I really think about it, I have often, instinctively I suppose, just started doing certain things over the years, in a determined effort to keep functioning as best I can. I’ve developed coping mechanisms for my fibro fog, to adapt, because I was still pushing through for the most part and “doing life” every day to raise my three kids. I’m sure there’s probably more, but just off the top of my head (my fibro head!), I can actually remember a few! (okay, it wasn’t off the top of my head…I had to think on it quite awhile!)

I mentioned earlier, that I have to keep my guard up, to try to keep focused. I’ve learned to make a concerted effort to try to be present in what I am doing…I focus on the details, and I try to keep my mind in the moment and on what I’m doing…so I don’t get distracted and/or so I will remember something.

And, oh yes…distractions. I will often cut down or cut out altogether, any distractions, when I really need to get something done, especially if I’m in a hurry. If it’s something at home, I turn the TV off, or maybe seclude myself somewhere away from the usual noise and banter of my household. If I can’t do that, I’ll sometimes put earphones in and listen to music while I work away, that seems to help. Sometimes I just put earplugs in, they block out enough noise and I just nod and smile and pretend I know what’s going on to anyone who tries to interrupt me, while I keep focused on the task at hand. (My sons are in their twenties now and the majority of things they say to me revolve around wanting food or poking fun at me, either of which I can do without hearing, while I nod and smile at them.)

Lately I’ve been setting a timer for ten-minute increments for those mundane chores that seem to just stretch out way too long when I’m tired and unfocused (every night!). Not a new concept or particularly inventive, but I have to say…it’s really working! I end up staying focused and working hard to try and beat the clock. If it’s a bit longer chore, I still set it for ten minutes and then reset it again for another ten and even another, until I get the task completed. I feel motivated at the thought of getting the chore done that quick and that makes me work hard to stay focused to do it. I guess I’m really just playing a little game with myself, but I like running with it and making it work.

And the last thing is a bit of a no-brainer…it’s sleep. Now I know we’re ALWAYS trying to get good sleep, but whenever I have an especially “thinking” day ahead of me, like working on a course or some business work, the night before I’ll make an extra effort to pay attention to the things I know help me to get a better night’s sleep. I find a significant change in how I can think and focus when I have a night of adequate sleep versus when I don’t. It’s honestly like night and day, the difference for me, in trying to get a “thinking” task done.

And speaking of night and day, I’ve learned by now to leave anything that requires much thought or decision making to the next day, once we’re getting into the evening. At a certain point, I’m usually just “done”, for thinking much about anything that night.

Which brings me to a key thing I wanted to say, and the reason I feel more optimistic now more than ever about my fibro fog.

These “thinking” tasks that I mentioned, well, there was a time, for many years actually, that I couldn’t trust that I could count on my cognitive powers to be intact enough, at all times, to be able to go back to the same career I had taken leave from to raise my kids. My career had required daily writing and reading through complicated legal documents (and negotiating and explaining them to others) and since the onset of fibromyalgia, I was not confident at all that I would still be able to do a competent job of that for my clients. I mean, I couldn’t be in a meeting with a client, going over the details of a complex offer with them, and suddenly forget the details! (that is, if I was able to still put a complex offer together!) So, I pursued an alternate career route, that gave me much more flexibility and wasn’t risking the serious legal liability of trying to do a job I no longer felt confident in having the full abilities to do.

But, here’s the thing…a few years ago…I suddenly started to realize…that I believe I could now confidently write and review those documents…I HAD IMPROVED!! My cognitive abilities were improving!!!

Which brings me to my next thought of course…WHY?

Why were my cognitive abilities improving (because this WAS a significant improvement!)…maybe even returning to their previous “sharper” level in some important respects? (I honestly thought that ship had sailed.)

Well, I have some definite ideas about why this may be…just maybe it’s not coincidental, maybe I’ve stumbled onto some things long ago that have helped my fibro fog not get as severe as others with fibromyalgia it seems, while also gradually leading to this remarkable improvement…and I’m going to get into this in my next blog post.

For now, I guess I realize that there is much I can do to live and function with fibro fog, lots by simply adapting, often instinctively, but with some strategic compensating as well.

And when there’s a lot I CAN do…well, the optimist that I am, I always feel so much better when I realize that. I don’t have to feel so uneasy and helpless anymore (or worried). No, I can feel proactive and positive and even hopeful.

And that’s enough for me.

What I know is real is I can replace that deep down unsettling vague uneasiness with solid hope, because I guess, like most everything with my fibromyalgia, for well over sixteen years now, I will continue to adapt and compensate and keep moving in my life.

So yeah, fibro fog…just another symptom…it won’t be slowing me down anytime soon.