Wow, when I think back to many of my previous posts, I realize that over the past fifteen years that I’ve had fibromyalgia, I’ll think whatever it takes to keep my mind-set and fibromyalgia in perspective in my life.
I’ll think in terms of “minimizing it”, of being in “combat mode”, of living in “deliberate denial”, of “faking it ’til I make it” and really, just “changing my thinking” to whatever I need to! Yes, there’s no denying, that what I think is huge for me in getting through life with fibromyalgia…in fact, it’s more than huge…it’s key.
But there’s another rather curious thing I’ve noticed…I’ve noticed not only that I AM WHAT I THINK ….but I BECOME WHAT I SAY.
Yes…I become what I say.
So let me explain.
Well, actually… the best way I can explain it is…well, just try this sometime (and I hope you’ll see what I mean). The next time, whether it’s in the course of some normal everyday casual conversation or if it’s a heartfelt inquiry from someone who knows of your fibromyalgia struggles, that someone asks you, “How are you?”…just answer, “I’m great!” Just say it…whether it’s true or not…whether you feel great or not…whether you feel great or you truly feel like (in true fibromyalgia mode) a walking corpse with a combination of a bad flu and a bad hangover just trying to get through a day, with no sleep to boot.
And say it like you mean it…pretend you do mean it…pretend this to yourself.
And if you’re concerned you’d be lying (because really, what are the chances that at that particular instant that someone asks you this, you would happen to be having one of the rare moments that anyone with fibromyalgia has, that they actually feel great?…come on!)…be patient…because if your experience is anything like mine…you WILL be feeling great…really soon. Or at least…you’ll be A LOT closer to it.
Now I can’t quite remember when I caught on to this neat little trick, but I absolutely love doing it. Because every time I say “I’m great!”…like I mean it…and I TRY to mean it…and I LET myself mean it…it elevates my mood…immediately!!…and I DO start feeling great!!
I become what I say!
I’m not exactly sure why it always works. Maybe I just simply convinced myself when I said “I’m great”. Or maybe it’s because subconsciously I don’t want to have lied, so I become what I say, so that it wasn’t a lie.
But I do know that, conversely, if I say that I feel crappy, then I feel obliged to keep feeling crappy. It’s like I put that on myself, so now I have to wear it.
Yes, for whatever reason, I guess it’s that I feel obliged to live up to what I say…either way. And, I have to say, it’s really pretty easy to…because what I say about how I feel seems to dictate how I will actually feel…probably because I LET it…I am OPEN to it…and I WANT to be “great”.
Now, someone could say that’s fake, maybe even not truthful, but I don’t really think that when someone usually asks that nicety, they honestly want to hear all the details of my health problems or even my life! In maybe ninety percent of the cases, it’s just a typical everyday greeting. So I’m not bringing myself down, just for someone’s typical cordial greeting. I’m using that as an opportunity to lift myself up!
And yes, I know…that many people probably would just answer “great”, the typical social answer to the typical social question. ”How are you?”…”Great.” (This IS a pretty normal everyday happening that I’m going on about…what’s the big deal?) But as I’ve explained, I’ve realized there’s another reason to say “great” other than obliging with the typical seemingly socially required response.
And I think this especially resonates with me because when someone asks me how I am, as a person with fibromyalgia, well, a whole host of whatever my current crappy fibromyalgia symptoms happen to be, immediately comes to mind. So when I typically cover up, as it seems we (with fibromyalgia) so often do, and say “I’m great”, I use this opportunity to run my own fun little experiment and I let myself really believe it…and EVERY TIME…I can’t believe it’s so unbelievably easy(!)…I seem to rise to the occasion and it becomes true! Right away!! I DO feel great now.
I mean, I can even feel myself immediately straighten up and stand taller and my step gets lighter and the muscles in my face relax and lose their tenseness …because…“I’M GREAT!” now.
Once, when someone truly meant it, as in, they knew of my fibromyalgia and asked a direct heartfelt question of me…”How was I, REALLY? How was I doing, REALLY?”…and we were out for dinner and drinks, and she was waiting…prepared to listen with great empathy for as long as it took for me to bare my fibromyalgia soul…well, this presented a real dilemma for me.
It was many years ago but I can still clearly remember it. I just looked at my sister, helplessly, for what seemed like a very long minute, stuck for an answer. I was in a real dilemma…how do I answer her? On the one hand…I admit it would have been satisfying to tell someone all that I suffered through and get their empathy and concern. And I did want to be honest with her.
BUT…on the other hand…that totally flew in the face of my “deliberate denial” mind-set that has been a cornerstone for how I’ve lived with fibromyalgia for so long. As I explained more fully in an earlier post, with my “deliberate denial” mind-set, I generally PRETEND I’m not sick, to myself and to others, and this helps me to stay more positive and less stressed by my symptoms which helps my fibromyalgia overall immensely.
It was nice she was concerned enough to ask but it wasn’t really going to make much difference to her either way…she’d go home and back to her life all the same. But it WAS going to make a huge difference to me because it was going to determine how I thought of myself, and I knew by then that how I thought of myself was a key element in my fight against fibromyalgia.
For so long, my mind-set has been that I’m not sick, and I’ve been fighting tooth and nail to improve my fibromyalgia to match that mind-set…does that make sense?…I mean, I keep my mind-set ahead of my body and my body is “growing into” my “non-sick” mind-set. So I needed to keep that positive non-sick mind-set steadfast and strong, to keep working my body towards meeting it. I didn’t want to break through my “deliberate denial” mind-set and allow myself to face the reality of what I lived with day in and day out, and bring myself crashing down…I mean, to think of what I live with, day in, day out, that’s downright depressing!
And if I recounted (to her) all the ways I was “sick” from fibromyalgia, and “put” that on myself, I knew then I’d have to “wear it” for the rest of the night…then I would feel like I was “sick sister”, for the rest of the night and every time I saw her for some time afterwards…I knew I would become what I say.
And I would become what I say…either way.
I chose to be great that night…and I WAS great…and I know that’s what she’d want me to choose if she understood what my choices mean to me.
It was a dilemma then, but after all these years of seeing how this works, by now, the choice is so easy for me. I CHOOSE TO BE GREAT…every time…all the time. So simple…so easy…and so powerful.
Yes, so powerful…to be able to just choose. Much of the time, fibromyalgia tries to make me feel like I can’t choose how I will be. It tries to make me feel like I am at its unrelenting mercy and a victim of its every whim…and that I just have to helplessly react and constantly adjust my life to its random and ever-changing barrage of symptoms and utter exhaustion…like I have no control.
But what I know is real now is that I CAN choose to be great. I have that power. I have that control. I only have to say it…and believe it…and I BECOME WHAT I SAY.
And I’m BECOMING…better. Ever so slowly, over the years, unmistakably…better.
Now, someone else might question whether this really works…they might say they’re skeptical…but not me…why would I?…that’s not what I choose to become.
