I’m Sick of Limitations!…A Place for “Pushing It” in Fighting Fibromyalgia

Sometimes I just get sick of living with limitations.

I know we’re supposed to have balance, listen to our bodies, heed the warnings that the fibromyalgia symptoms are sending and try to rest when we need to…I’ve lived all that and learned all that for fifteen years now…but, come on(!)…don’t I get to have a life too?!?

I listen to my body, I heed the warning signals it is sending, that’s the crux of what I’ve built my whole battle (of fighting fibromyalgia) on all these years…heeding the signals the symptoms are sending, and adjusting.

But, come on(!), don’t I get to have a life too?

Because it feels so limiting…always having to worry if I will be overdoing it and need time to rest and recuperate…will THIS be too much?…will THAT be too much?…is EVERYTHING too much!?!  Tip toeing around this illness…it can feel helpless…not much control…depressing…

So I’m glad I’ve learned I don’t have to totally live like that!

Oh, I pace myself for sure…and I do listen to my body and heed the signals it is sending me…I have to(!)…but I push it too.  AND I PUSH IT A LOT.  After fifteen years of trial and error living with fibromyalgia, I’ve found my fibromyalgia has some “give” to it and I take full advantage of it.

In fact, it seems to me that “pushing it” certainly has a place in fighting fibromyalgia too.

So let me explain.

When I first had fibromyalgia, I had some vague symptoms coming and going for close to a year before it suddenly came on like an attack with a multitude of troubling and scary symptoms. On the first day of those scary symptoms (over fourteen years ago now) I can still clearly remember lying on my bed, feeling deeply, deeply exhausted, with a distinct thought that has come back to me off and on over the years.

You know how you occasionally hear it reported that some celebrity who suffers from exhaustion goes to some facility to rest and relax and rehabilitate their body for about a month or two?…well I remember thinking, that’s exactly what it felt like I needed to do. It felt like such a deep and complete exhaustion had come over me that ONLY two or even three months of totally unplugging from everything in my life and just getting a time-out from life somewhere to simply sleep, deeply, would do the trick. (I know you know the feeling.)

Well, obviously just wishful thinking. Not an option.  I had a very young family to raise; we had bills to pay. (I didn’t even have much time to lie on my bed that day and think that!)  So, ever since, it’s been like I’ve been trying to get that much needed rest…gradually…dispersed over the years…whenever I can…amid a busy life…slowly…ever so slowly…bit…by bit.

So it seems to me if I totally listened to the signals my body was sending and obliged…well, I’d never get out of bed‎…I’d never do anything! (None of us with fibromyalgia would.)

Therefore it’s always seemed to me that if I’m going to go about living my life, I have to do a certain amount of NOT listening to my body and NOT doing what it seems to be signaling me to do.

And I guess that’s the real quandary those of us with fibromyalgia continually find ourselves in.  We need to listen to our bodies and pace ourselves accordingly so that we don’t overdo it and end up “crashing”, as I’ve always thought of it.  But we need to ignore our bodies to be able to function and carry out our responsibilities and have any sort of a life at all!

For myself, ignoring has been the more predominant path I’ve chosen, with my “minimizing it”, “deliberate denial” and “fake it ‘til I make it” mindset because, well, I’ve always wanted to go, go, go. So that has left me with a certain amount of “pushing” the limits because that has been the only way I can push myself through the sheer exhaustion (and the whole myriad of various symptoms and pain) and function in life the way I want to.

Initially though, way back in the early years, I mistakenly believed that fibromyalgia was degenerative and I was afraid to “push it”.  As my symptoms flared up I thought I was gradually deteriorating and could not regain that ground that was lost. I was totally distressed; every time my symptoms got worse, I thought they were permanently worse and I backed off living life more and more.  I felt helpless and distraught.

I was tip toeing around trying not to overdo anything at all, totally at the mercy of my fibromyalgia…until…I read an inspiring book about fibromyalgia that (thankfully!) clarified for me that fibromyalgia symptoms “waxed and waned” as they put it.

Well this was a total game changer for me! From then on I stopped being afraid of overdoing it so much.

I realized I CAN push it. (I can have a life!)

That was important for me to learn…just as important as learning to pace myself…which soon came next…because when I started pushing it…inevitably (you know the drill)…I overdid it of course and then learned about “crashes” (or flares I believe they are commonly known as).

For years I used to try to keep pushing myself and not stop at all each day because I knew if I stopped, exhaustion would take over and I wouldn’t get up again.  But then, after awhile of doing this, inevitably, I would “crash” and I would have to take it easy for days, more likely weeks or sometimes even months (like every January after the whole Christmas stint) to get rid of the seriously scary symptoms that my lack of pacing had caused to flare up.

I’m happy to say these “crashes” are fewer and farther between these days. I pace myself better. ‎I pace myself for the long run. Oh, I still like to push the limits for sure, and I sometimes still overdo it but generally now I am better at knowing when to back off.  I try little rests here and there; I tell someone to wake me after twenty minutes or set my alarm on my cell phone for an hour and a half once in awhile when I need and have time for a longer nap . And then I really push myself to get up, because I’ve learned that once I do, I am refueled by these short rests and can get going again once I make the initial push to get up.

And I certainly pace my activities overall; I try not to overbook or to book too much in advance because (you know the drill)…who knows how I’ll feel when that day gets here?…and if I overdo it, well then, that could be the final nail in the coffin and I’m spiralling into a vicious circle “crash” that could last for months. (I know you know!)

Yes, for sure that’s a huge challenge, maybe THE huge challenge with fibromyalgia, trying to make the call…when to challenge it and fight how I feel…and when to rest…when to ignore the symptoms and push back…and when to heed the symptoms and take it easy. It can certainly feel like walking a tightrope wire.

And it seems to me that I can fight too long and I can rest too long. Yes, overdoing it leads to crashes or flares but it’s also been my experience that there is a point of diminishing returns when it comes to lying around resting.  I’ve found that lying around too long just leads to more sluggishness, lethargy and fatigue for me.

But here’s the part I find reassuring.  I’ve found that if I don’t let any misstep in my pacing (or sometimes, lack of) go on too long, I’ve been able to bounce back (well… sometimes more like crawl back!).

YES, I’VE BEEN ABLE TO BOUNCE BACK.

I’m emphasizing that because for me, that’s been very key.

That knowledge that there’s a little “play”, a little room to manoeuvre, has allowed me to push the limits…to not be afraid of what will happen…to not feel at the mercy of fibromyalgia…to not feel so totally helpless…to not feel like I have no control…TO FEEL LIKE I CAN STILL LIVE MY LIFE!

I guess what I’m trying to say is I haven’t had to just lie down and let fibromyalgia roll over me.  I haven’t had to feel so totally limited. Yes, I have to pace myself‎, by all means, yes, pace myself is the “name of the game” with fighting fibromyalgia, but I don’t think I have to be afraid to live…that can lead to a feeling of always having limitations…it gets so self defeating…it gets downright depressing.

I’m tired of tip toeing ‎around…and thankfully I’ve learned I don’t have to. I push the limits.

In fact, it feels to me that continuing to gently push the limits…by keeping up a busy pace, by working out, by not getting excessive sleep…is what’s building up my resistance to gradually make permanent improvements…and I AM seeing gradual REAL and PERMANENT improvements over the years…without a doubt.

So I don’t feel so limited anymore…because as it turns out…I CAN have a life!  What I know is real is that I’m pacing myself but I’m pushing myself too…and it’s working! It feels good to think I’m not totally at the mercy of my body and my fibromyalgia…it feels positive. I have some choice too.

And as I listen to my body and pace myself…I’ve  learned that choosing to “push” and challenge the limits here and there has meant that certainly my spirit and enthusiasm‎ doesn’t have to pace itself.

Yes, the pacing is for my body only…my spirit and enthusiasm for life is absolutely soaring…for the possibilities of my life with fibromyalgia…for the possibilities of others’ lives with fibromyalgia…for possibilities, period!